azure ablaze 


When blues & flames melt and mingle …

So our eldest son is settling into his freshman year in college.  He traded this scene (photo taken in our back yard) for … NYC.  He’s navigating big city adjustments… subways, studies, cross country team, meal planning, time management & making friends, etc.  He’s a “Never, never, never give up” kinda guy.  (Sir Winston Churchill)

I’m deeply grateful to my husband Alex for his intentional Dad-ing to our children, but especially in preparing our sons to be men.  He models & mentors ingenuity & humility… a no-excuses work ethic like no other & fuels our home & hearts with pure fun.

I share this to say we were cautiously confident our eldest son was ready for this collegiate… culture-shock… step.

However, I wonder if we really were… more specifically, if I really was…

Amidst preparing, packing & praying for his moving from SWFL to NYC, I began a series of medical tests & procedures.  Gratefully – one of the two “bigger” issues was determined to be benign… at this time.  However, based on a ripe family history & favorable conditions, they advise a follow up at six months.

The other issue…?  Just not ready to disclose this part of my journey just yet.

But, what I’m learning in this space is precisely what I think I must share.

The weight… wait… and wonder in this curious transition… that feels similar to death… and birth … and again… and again.  Why does weakness feel so heavy?

“… we need honest portrayals of those men and women who have gone before us , who have marked out a pathway of faithfulness and valor through extraordinary obstacles of ordinary life…”

– George Grant quoted in Stephen Mansfield’s  Never Give In pg. 10

The weight … beauty & wonder … curious & questioning… thundering bolts of brilliance & rumblings of simplicity.

When just a few months ago, my body obeyed my demands… And delighted in keeping up with three children and an especially eager & energetic husband… I now face days with slimmer to-do lists.  And I earnestly pray I’ll be deliberate and diligent with the time & energy as long as it lasts.

Choosing delight in contrast to discouragement?  I wish I could confirm the choice is smooth.  The truth, I’m discovering this season… despite my desire to clearly choose delight, I’m epically engaged in jousting back discouragements.  But, the delights are there… literally, every single day.  If we seek, we find.

Changing seasons offer up changing paces and spaces.  As one who spent as many elementary school days racing and chasing & much of high school days dancing-( how about 70 high-kicks along with five formation changes into a three minute routine?), this physical slowing for me has unearthed some rigid inflexibility in me.

Outside a 23 week stint on bedrest during pregnancy, “I’ve” been able to “mind-over-matter” myself into any physical challenge I presented myself… this time is different.  My slowing at the same time our eldest son is finding his feet, his speed, and his mission are in full throttle.  Am I passing a baton I’ll never get back?

Yet, at this exact same season, I’m seeing the vivid in the every day.  A 20 plus year writing project is nearing its end, a new lengthy project is in the pipeline… but, I’ve also been gifted with a little “watchful & thankful” prayer group & project still unfolding, a VOXer group who astounds me daily just as IF: Equip’s ANNO DOMINI -study of church history and church sermon series begins on Ecclesiastes.

Physical power & ability energize temporarily.  We can learn much through physical fitness & wellness endeavors.  However, it is on my  weakness… I see Who is Strong.

His Grace is Sufficient.  His Power is made perfect in weakness.

And His Presence is True & Faithful – Eternally.

So as our eldest presses into his God-given season that requires much from him, I too lean  into Him – trusting Him to pen this season for His Glory… asking for eyes to see, strength to be weak, and enough pause to not miss a single praise… azure ablaze.

“… trusting Him to pen this season

for His Glory…

asking for eyes to see,

strength to be weak, and

enough pause to not miss a single praise…

azure ablaze.”

 by Heidi L. Paulec – writer of orchids & aloe


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